Yahweh Yireh ~ The LORD who Provides!
10 months since my last post phew! almost a year and not a word!
Well, little did we know, in those pictures from the Taylor Reunion, (which we are about to embark upon again!) we had a little life growing inside of us. (well me to be technical about it, but our whole family was a part of this new life).
Kevin and I had gotten ourselves involved in an art gallery above the bookshelf downtown, but after finding out about the pregnancy we decided there was too much on our plate, and stepped down from involvement.
Life was slowly progressing along and in November, just before the week of Thanksgiving, I had a check up appt, in which the heart beat was not able to be detected. They scheduled me for an ultrasound two days later. But when I went home, I could not wait two days. Early the next morning, I called first thing and found out there was a cancellation and I took the appt.
Kevin had a busy day, so we dropped the kids off at my moms, I dropped him off at work and off I went to the women's imaging center to have the ultrasound that hopefully was going to tell me whether we were having a boy or a girl. After all, I was 18 weeks, that magical number where you get to find out!
As I laid on the table, I saw the baby , but it was not moving. Then I saw the technician (the same technician who had done all other ultrasounds) with a look on her face that was not the same "light in her eyes look" as with all other ultra sounds.
The baby is not moving is it? I asked. She sadly shook her head and I knew that something was not right.
I don't remember what words were said next, but I do remember, going to into the bathroom and crying so hard that I was shaking. I was genuinely afraid that I would not be able to walk out into the lobby, in front of all those people, without appearing hysterical.
I did somehow, make it back to the car where I called Kevin. I was unable to speak, but he knew from the sobs that the baby had not made it.
Oh my world shattered. The guilt, the sadness that I knew would not go away, the loss that we would never regain. As we sat in Dr. Jackson's office a few minutes later, there were Christmas decorations laying on the floor and the typical Dean Martin Holiday Cheer. I laid my head on Kevin's shoulder and I just prayed,
"God, if YOU raised Jesus, if YOU brought HIM back to life, please, breathe life back into this child." I prayed, I promised I would believe and have faith. But the baby did not come back to life, the baby had gone to be with Jesus.
The days that followed, I was so full of the Presence of God. It was amazing how HE rushed to my side and blessed me with a strange peace. Like the wounded lamb, thrown over its Shepherds shoulder, I lay there on my LORD, absolutely dependent on HIM for my next spiritual breathe.
We were admitted to Archbold that Friday, where I was induced and delivered the little one 12 hours later. As we left the hospital the next day, though I had peace, there was still a blanket of sadness that I knew was going to be my companion for the following months.
Sunday, we had a service for the baby, whom we chose to name Asapho Kainos McMillan, which means "Yahweh has chosen" (Asapho in Spanish) "an altogether new experience" (Kainos in Greek). And it is truly amazing how this name encapsulated the months that followed.
Yahweh had indeed chosen a new experience for our family. We thought the little one would come to live with us, but GOD chose to take the little on home before ever entering into this sinful world.
At the service, Dan had come to lead us in our time of saying good bye. Only family was there. Kevin wanted to share a few words, and I also read a prayer that I had written.
After the service Kevin and I looked at each other and I said to him, you need to be in some form of ministry. Dan even told Don that Kevin needed to be preaching. Kevin's heart for GOD, and the connection He has to HIM, has always been very evident to me. But in that moment, I think we both heard GOD speaking to us and telling us.....I want more of you guys than Church Attendance and quiet times, I want you full time.
But what does that look like? We set an appt with Dan (poor Dan, he has had so many Kevin and Lesli meetings where we beg him for counsel!) and told him, look we don't know what GOD is doing, but we feel a magnetic pull towards our Creator. Dan very wisely advised us to embark on a season of intense prayer, seeking out the face of GOD. He also encouraged us to endure a season of fasting.
And this is just what Kevin and I did. We sought HIM with all that we had. And HE spoke to us. Not audibly, but through sacred echos, where we heard this constant message from various different sources.
"Love the LORD you GOD with all your heart, mind, soul & strength and love your neighbor as yourself"
Through books and counselors and friends we began to see a new path that God was laying out before us. One in which we were whole heartedly seeking HIM out. Where we were not the ones doing the planning, but we were stepping back and saying ok GOD what do YOU want from us? A new path, where we genuinely were trying to listen out for the voice of GOD, instead of talking so much , that we could never hear HIS voice.
And this is where we are now. Still waiting on exactly what HE has planned for us, but closer to HIM than we have ever been as a married couple.
I heard a conversation the other day, in which the speaker was addressing the issue of unanswered prayers. Why does GOD say Ask, Seek, Knock and you shall receive, if He doesn't always answer the prayers we cry out?
He used an illustration I found very helpful. If a child asked you for a scorpion, would you give him one? But if that same child asked you for an egg, would you comply? Of course you would not give the child the scorpion, the scorpion could take that very child's life. Though the child begs, pleads and communicates his absolute conviction that he needs that scorpion, you as his parent, know that the scorpion would not be a good thing.
The egg on the other hand, would give nourishment and life and therefore you would gladly give your child the egg.
Sometimes, we beg GOD for a scorpion. Not knowing that the thing we ask for, we think it is just perfect, exactly what we need, it is good it is right, but GOD says no, it is death. Then other times we ask GOD for an egg, and GOD says very well my child, here you go.
I entitled this post Yahweh Yireh, The LORD Provides. It may seem an odd title, in light of the content of the post. However Yahweh did provide, HE gave us a most wonderful life that set our hearts back on track in living unto our Creator. Kevin and I were headed down a path of self-sufficiency, self-satisfaction, self-promotion, self. And Yahweh, grabbed ahold of us, I can almost envision HIM grabbing us by the shoulders and shaking us, while looking compassionately in our eyes, Come To ME! He says in a gentle, yet Fatherly voice.
And so we have and may we never leave.